Dear Charlie:

I have been with my boyfriend on and off for over a year now. I think we are done for good and I do not know how to handle it. He has completely cut me out of his life and I am heartbroken, should I try to talk to him or just move on?

Signed: Confused

Dear confused,

You indicate that you have been with your boyfriend for more than a year. However, you say you think you are “done for good” and you add, “he has completely cut me out of his life”. Charlie hears that you are hurting. You say “I don’t know how to handle it” and ask, “should I try to talk to him or just move on?” Charlie will try to provide you with some food for thought.

When a relationship that has been significant and meaningful changes, it is difficult to cope with this change. How we react depends on the circumstances. When the change occurs in a romantic relationship, a part of us may want to hold on to what we’ve had. It is not unusual to recall some of the best times and want to recapture them. If we, ourselves, did not initiate the break-up, we may also be left wondering “why?” Another part of us may very feel hurt. In addition to being angry at our “ex”, this part of us may want to move on and find someone else. Charlie is guessing that you are experiencing some of these ambivalent feelings.

Ultimately, it is up to you whether you try to pursue a continuing conversation with your “ex” or choose to move on. If you try to contact him, it would be good to have a clear idea of what you are trying to accomplish. For example, is the contact for the purpose of trying to get back together or for the purpose of seeking some kind of closure? If you choose this route, Charlie suggests that you proceed with caution. Though it may be possible for you to achieve what you are hoping for (e.g., reconciliation or closure), you may also be opening yourself up to being hurt again. Another caution is that you may not get the answers you were seeking by contacting him again, which may leave you more hurt or confused than before. Whether you try to re-initiate contact or not, you may reach a stage where you want to move on. If/when this occurs, Charlie has some suggestions for working through this time period. Whenever we are hurting, it is good to engage in self-care. This starts with paying attention to the fundamentals including eating well, getting adequate rest, and engaging in pleasurable activities. In addition, following a break-up, it is especially important to reach out to sources of social support. This would be an especially appropriate time to reengage with your friends and others who care about you such as colleagues or family. Another consideration is starting a new relationship. Though a new relationship can be very reinforcing and ultimately healing, it makes sense to give yourself some time to grieve your loss before starting anew.

If, after working on this issue for a period of time, you continue to feel “stuck”, you might consider seeking services at the Counseling Center (285-1736). My friends there offer group and individual counseling. Either can be provide a good venue for working through relationship concerns.

Hoping this helps you find clarity,
Charlie