Dear Charlie:

Last year, I started wondering about how it would be if I would be with a girl. At the end of the school year, I decided that I was bisexual. For me, I just want to find that one person I can't live without and if that happens to be with a woman, I'd be perfectly fine wit that. Lately, I guess I don't know how to act on this?.. I have liked a couple of girls, but I didn't know what to do. Honestly, how do I know if I really like guys or girls? I've never been with anyone. So sometimes I start to question what I'm really attracted to and such.. I'm I just making this all up in my head? Also, only a couple of my good friends know that I consider myself bisexual. I want to open up to all of my friends, I just don't want them to act different around me. I definitely don't feel comfortable talking to my family about any of this. I know they wouldn't understand. I just wish things could be more clear for me. I'm tired of trying to figure out who I am.

Signed: Confused

Dear Confused,

You say that you want to find someone that you can’t live without. You say that you have liked girls in the past but you don’t know what to do with your feelings. Charlie hears that because you haven’t “been with anyone”, you question if you’re attracted to guys or girls. You wonder if you’re making this up in your head. You say that only your good friends know that you consider yourself bisexual and that you would like to let your other friends know. Yet you worry about them treating you differently. Charlie will try to address each of your concerns.

It is natural to feel attraction to others and desire a partner. Charlie hears that this may be particularly distressing for you because you wonder if you like guys or girls. Charlie has consulted my friends at the Counseling Center and they say that attraction is not a simple answer of liking one gender or the other. They encourage you to think about attraction as being on a continuum, where your feelings range from low to high attraction towards guys AND towards girls. Charlie suggests that you see it as a journey where it’s okay that you may not have all the answers yet. It is natural to question your attraction to others and wonder about what to do with your feelings. When you’re ready, Charlie encourages you to try dating the person you’re attracted to in order to find out if you would like to have a relationship with him/her. You may want to initiate getting to know the person by letting him/her know of your romantic interest. If you do this, you could be rejected, but he/she could also return your romantic interest. You don’t have control over how others respond, but you do have a choice about initiating a dating relationship.

Charlie hears that you don’t feel comfortable telling family because they may not understand. Charlie wonders if you also worry about your friends not understanding or being accepting. It is possible that if you let your other friends know that you identify as bisexual, some of them may act differently around you. However, whom you tell is your choice as well as when and how you will tell them. Charlie encourages you to reach out to the friends you already know for support as you struggle with your questions and as you open up to other friends.

If you find that you need more than support from people who are close to you, you may consider seeking group or individual therapy at the Counseling Center. Charlie knows from his friends at the Counseling Center that they offer a Safe Haven support group. This group provides a safe space for students who are exploring their sexual orientation to learn to understand and accept themselves as well as those around them. If interested in either group or individual counseling, please call 285-1736 to set up an intake appointment.

Hoping this helps you to feel less confused,
Charlie